Sporting Kansas City 1-0 D.C. United - United make Sporks look just as incompetent, still lose

Five shots on goal in the entire game. From both teams, combined. And it wasn't because of outstanding defense - it was just a generally badly played game between Sporting Kansas City and D.C. United on Friday night. The Sporks turned in a marginally less incompetent performance, Dom Dwyer capitalizing on a hospital ball from Jared Jeffrey that Perry Kitchen only made worse to put an early goal past Bill Hamid. If you had turned the game off then, you would have missed some yellow cards and a blown 1v1 but that's about it.

That 1v1, by the way, was from Jared Jeffrey, who was probably United's most active player on the night. He flew into tackles and won midfield headers and did a lot of little things well, but did two very big things wrong. The first was stranding Perry Kitchen against CJ Sapong deep in United's end, leading to the game's only goal. The second also came in the first half, as Jeffrey found himself with lots of time and space and the ball at his feet behind the KC back line. When the assistant referee's flag stayed down, Jeffrey stayed calm and composed - probably too much so, as he waited for Jimmy Nielsen to commit. And waited. And waited. And eventually found himself with no option but to shoot the ball right into the Danish keeper, spurning the Black-and-Red's best scoring chance of the night.

Beyond that, one-time Washingtonian Sebastian Salazar manned the anchor's desk for the pregame, halftime and postgame shows, which was pretty swell for D.C. fans (especially those who remember last year's Capital Soccer Show). Nick DeLeon came out injured at halftime, and Daniel Woolard did this:

Here it is, everyone: @dcunited's season perfectly captured in one gif: http://t.co/IZS0LK6dd2

— Matthew Doyle (@MLS_Analyst) October 19, 2013

So, you know, the usual.