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D.C. United vs. No One 2020: Time, TV schedule and how to watch Nothing online

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D.C. United isn’t playing FC Cincinnati or anyone else today. How do you beat the concept of nothingness?

MLS: Inter Miami CF at D.C. United Geoff Burke-USA TODAY Sports

D.C. United does not have a game against FC Cincinnati today. Coming off of a 2-1 win, United was going to be looking to match that result while improving the actual play behind it, but instead players are chilling at home as we all practice social distancing. United won’t have a shot at a team that had a mess of an offseason, and is once again under the leadership of interim head coach Yoann Damet. We won’t see whether United can do better than their last meeting, a 0-0 draw against a 9-man, dead-last-place Cincy side that cost the Black-and-Red a home playoff game. There is no game, so none of that is going to happen.

Key player: Proper hand-washing technique

I drove up to the USWNT game last weekend, and saw absolute horrors at a sink at a Jersey Turnpike rest stop. Holding your hands under running water for 3 seconds and then shaking them off is not enough for literally any time, much less during a pandemic!

Location: At home, on lockdown to avoid disease

Kickoff time: D.C. United vs. FC Cincinnati will kick off sometime in the future...probably. We’re pretty sure. Maybe.

Projected D.C. United starting 11: (433) - Bill Hamid; Russell Canouse, Frederic Brillant, Steven Birnbaum, Oniel Fisher; Julian Gressel, Junior Moreno, Felipe Martins; Edison Flores, Erik Sorga, Yamil Asad

Bench: Earl Edwards Jr., Chris Odoi-Atsem, Mohammed Abu, Kevin Paredes, Emmanuel Boateng, Griffin Yow, Ulises Segura

This is what I guess United’s lineup and bench would have been this weekend. With Ola Kamara and Joseph Mora using this time to get their hamstrings right, United would be down to 19 healthy, available players if they were to play today. But, you know, they aren’t playing today.

Projected starting 11 for the concept of nothingness: (00...0) - wait a minute, how can the concept of nothingness have a formation? The laws of the game require both teams to field one goalkeeper and at least seven field players before play can start, but the concept of nothingness wouldn’t even have a single player, so, uh...how does this work?

Available TV: It’s a Samsung!

Available streaming: I think I’m going to stream season 3 of Castlevania, which I wasn’t expecting to be any good but was actually pretty entertaining. Not a classic or anything, but the first two seasons were fun.

What do we have to say about it?: Nothing! There’s nothing to say about today’s game beyond the fact that it is not happening.

What are you drinking?: I’m rationing alcohol to stave off running out of my favorites, which would open up the possibility to an unnecessary trip, so I’ll probably have to get creative with rum or vodka.

This is the place for all your pre-game, still pre-game, and it’ll be pre-game for a long time discussion. Vamos hand sanitizer!