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D.C. United vs. Minnesota United FC staff and reader predictions

No, WE’RE the worst at soccer.

Another week, another disappointing reflection on D.C. United and their inability to do anything consistent or remotely not terrible. At this point I’m really running out of things to say, guys.

This week, though, we at least have a new opponent to face. Step on up, Minnesota United FC, with your lame name and awesome crest and similarly bad season. It’s an East vs. West Battle of the Best of the worst.

Donald Wine II

How far can the Black-and-Red fall? I’m not quite sure we’ve reached rock bottom even though it feels like we’ve fallen lower than that. Luckily, they travel to Minnesota where the Loons have not been playing well lately either. Call me crazy, I’m going to go positive on this one. We are undefeated against teams that have taken our name for their use (well, team). That streak will continue on Saturday. Ian Harkes provides the only goal and Bill Hamid, back from international duty, does Bill Hamid things to escape with a win, 1-0.

Adam Taylor

I still don't have the words to talk about United after last week. Appropriately, I don't think this game has any goals. Scoreless draw, and no fewer than 13 individuals throwing themselves into one of Minnesota's famous lakes in search of a reprieve.

Jason Anderson

United has figured out how to score goals, which means there will be two teams capable of putting the ball in the back of the net and zero teams able to defend coherently. As such, I expect a bumbling sort of high-paced game. Minnesota will edge out in front via Kevin Molino, but Luciano Acosta will respond quickly, and both Bill Hamid and Bobby Shuttleworth will produce some big saves before halftime. It'll be more of the same in the second half, with Patrick Nyarko giving United a lead only for Christian Ramirez to haul the Loons back level. 2-2, and it's worth noting that at full time there will be barely over 11 days left in the transfer window.


This is tough. Even though there is absolutely no reason whatsoever to think that D.C. United will do anything other than lose this game, it actually makes some sense that they'll win.* Goals are going in, the team is mostly healthy, and Minnesota boasts MLS's largest MASH unit, with five listed as out and four more listed as questionable. Deshorn Brown puts United up before Christian Ramirez equalizes, and Ian Harkes wins it in the second half.

* = as long as Bill Hamid starts

Leanne Elston

Man, I don’t know. Minnesota are bad, but DCU are also bad. Does that mean we get some inexplicable 3-3, back-and-forth, totally nutty show? Or does that mean we get a cringy 0-0 draw? I guess I’ll split the difference and say it end ups 2-2, because why not? Shared points feels right for this one.

How do you see this one going down? Share your prediction in the comments, but make sure you take a little stop at this week’s silly poll first.


Setting terrible records is so fun! It’s good to have goals. What’s yours?

This poll is closed

  • 13%
    Fewest wins in a single season
    (11 votes)
  • 12%
    Most conceded goals in a single season
    (10 votes)
  • 4%
    Most conceded goals in a single game
    (4 votes)
  • 12%
    Longest losing streak
    (10 votes)
  • 57%
    Most raccoons in the starting XI
    (48 votes)
83 votes total Vote Now