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D.C. United vs. San Jose Earthquakes staff and reader predictions

#DCUAfterDark is back

So. This team. It sure does feel like we’ve been here before, yeah? Wringing our hands over how Very Not Good they are and wondering when the tide will change and hoping every week that this time it’ll be different.

Man. It’s rough out there for a D.C. United fan.

This week the Black-and-Red are out west to face the San Jose Earthquakes, who, let’s be honest here, will probably win. I don’t make the rules, you guys!

We all made some predictions, though, and here’s what we see going down:

Donald Wine II

Reaching for some hope, United travels to San Jose this weekend. On the one hand, United have been scoring goals. On the other hand, the Black-and-Red have been awful on defense. Nothing is telling me that the team has what it takes to get a win in San Jose this weekend. Expect a Wondolowski goal to be the difference in another 3-2 defeat. Yamil Asad and Darren Mattocks will be the goalscorers in another woulda/coulda/shoulda but didn’t outing.


So hey, San Jose just played on Wednesday night! That’s reason for optimism! And D.C. United...uh...exists? Didn’t lose on Wednesday night? A Danny Hoesen brace is going to do the job for San Jose, even if a late goal by Steve Birnbaum gives D.C. hope. 2-1 to San Jose. Whatever.

Ryan Keefer

Like D.C.’s opponent last week (Real Salt Lake), San Jose is kind of bad on the road. Unlike RSL, the Quakes aren’t impressing at home, and there appears to be a bit of consistent offense to offset the bad defense, where D.C. needs more offense, period. Zoltan Stieber will score as will Yamil Asad, but the back line is still the back line, and on what apparently will be 1980s night at Avaya, Vako, will score one while Danny Hoesen bags two in a 3-2 win.

Adam Taylor

Rooney Rooney Rooney Rooney Rooney. Rooney Rooney Rooney? Rooney Rooney. Rooney Rooney Rooney Rooney Rooney Rooney Rooney. Rooney Rooney Rooney.

Rooney? Rooney. Roo-Roo-Rooney. 3-2 Rooney, erm, United over the Quakes with an Yamil Asad brace, a Darren Mattocks tally, and all the helpers for Lucho Acosta. I’m feeling Roon-tomistic.

Leanne Elston

Well, I can’t say I’m feeling quite so Roon-tomistic. I think everyone else is more on the right track here—we’re in for another disappointing result. I’ll say it ends 3-1 with the lone DCU goal from Asad. It’s a consolation, because the Quakes will score their three in the first hour so that we know well and good we’re not getting any points.

Jason Anderson

San Jose is awful at defending between the lines, and with Yamil Asad probably back in the lineup, I actually have some hope for this weakness benefiting United. However, I also think this game has the makings of a goalfest, because neither team is good defensively.

I see Darren Mattocks opening the scoring, only for Chris Wondolowski (who is well-rested after not starting in either of San Jose’s games thus far this week) to level things before halftime. Asad puts the Black-and-Red up early in the 2nd half after combining with Luciano Acosta, but Florian Jungwirth ties it up, this time heading in a set piece. Both teams go close to a winner before Ian Harkes emerges from the bench to snatch a late third goal for United, who win 3-2. No, I am not on any drugs...unless you count lots of coffee.

What’s your prediction for tomorrow’s #DCUAfterDark game? Share it in the comments, but not before taking this week’s extremely important silly poll.


Brownies. How do you like them?

This poll is closed

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    (12 votes)
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    (57 votes)
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    I don’t like brownies because I’m a monster
    (10 votes)
79 votes total Vote Now