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Tales from Buzzard Point - Chapter 9: The Anti-Galaxy Machine

The ninth in a series of Tales from Buzzard Point, exploring the rich history and traditions of legendary Buzzard Point – a legacy that the current D.C. United ownership may have set aside in selling naming rights for the new soccer specific stadium but is forever enshrined in the chants, songs, and hearts of Black-and-Red fandom. 

Today’s entry was researched by “Tales from Buzzard Point” Series Editor David Rusk.

Having been left abysmally ignorant of science by my economics major/Spanish minor education at University of California at Berkeley decades ago, I make it my business to read carefully everything about science published in the Evening Star. I was surprised that this recent article was buried in the Features section rather than front page news.


SECRET ANTI-GALAXY MACHINE REVEALED AT BUZZARD POINT

Abandoned power plant on Buzzard Point
Wikimedia Commons

Chatting about Science

By Erwin Schrödinger III
November 31, 2016

A decommissioned Pepco power plant, widely believed to be abandoned after its dynamo was removed, in fact houses a secret machine engineered to repel a destructive galaxy, an Evening Star investigation has revealed.

The anti-galaxy machine’s powerful rays will be transmitted through what is publicly characterized as an electric transmission line easement under Buzzard Point and Audi Field, D.C. United’s new soccer stadium.

Schematic of “easement” under the Buzzard Point stadium site
DC Zoning Commission filing

Confronted with irrefutable evidence from our investigation, Dr. Werner von Hokkum of the Laser Extraferometer Gravitational-Wave Observatory (LEGO) acknowledged that the device is being built to defend against the periodic invasion of a dark matter-rich galaxy

“We discerned evidence of this new dark matter galaxy (titled LAG-1) shortly after LEGO discovered Dragonfly 44 this past spring,” von Hokkum explained. “It was hidden behind Dragonfly 44 and visible very briefly only because LAG-1 had several brilliant stars imbedded in the galactic cloud of dark matter.”

“In fact, LAG-1 may normally occupy its own alternate universe,” von Hokkum continued. “It may break through into our own universe periodically. Our cosmologists have calculated that such attempted break-throughs will occur every two years right here at Buzzard Point.”

Aerial rendering of planned Audi Field on Buzzard Point. “Abandoned” power plant (with smoke stacks) in upper left corner. “Power line easement” runs underneath east stands of soccer stadium.
DC Zoning Commission filing

Why is it so important to resist an invasion by LAG-1?

“Normally — if ‘normal’ is a word that can be used in discussing such still little understood phenomena — most dark matter interacts very little even with itself,” von Hokkum cautioned. LAG-1 is different. It is so influential that it seems to write the rules of its universe to suit itself.”

“If LAG-1 were allowed to triumph here at Buzzard Point, it might be the end of our world as we know it,” von Hokkum concluded.

Though Buzzard Point’s anti-galaxy machine will require extraordinary amounts of electricity to repel LAG-1 successfully, von Hokkum would not confirm that its massive storage batteries would be charged by diverting power periodically from other PEPCO and Dominion Virginia Power customers. Such alleged diversions would be disguised as “power outages” attributable to storms in Northern Virginia and Suburban Maryland.

Erwin Schrödinger III covers science and politics for the Evening Star’s national desk.

Note from Series Editor David Rusk: “Tales from Buzzard Point” includes historical fiction and should be considered a work of homage or parody.

All members of the B&RU Commentariat are invited to submit manuscripts of their own researches into the history and traditions of Buzzard Point. All must a) involve Buzzard Point, b) have some relationship to football/ soccer, and c) demonstrate that Buzzard Point is hallowed ground for D.C. United and our MLS opponents are doomed to never come away from Buzzard Point with a result.