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Water, Water, Everywhere: DC United & Sundry Soccer Links for 13 November 2015

If you thought Kevin Costner's Water World was a big flop, wait until you see David Beckham's Water World.

This blog doesn't talk enough about water. So I'm going to hit you up with some water-related links. Time for Friday Freedom Kicks!

Red Bulls v Crew SC and FC Dallas v Portland intriguing - ESPN FC: So who are we rooting for in the East? Seriously, the Crew or the Red Bulls? It's like Gozer the Destructor demanding that you "choose the form of the Destructor!" One of you is now thinking of Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, which is basically Dax McCarty. So I guess it's the Red Bulls. You bastards. You sick bastards.

100 Best Football Stadiums in the World - FourFourTwo: There are four MLS stadia among the world's top 100: Red Bull Arena (home of Stay Puft), BC Place (home of the Whitecaps), StubHub Center (home of  our curmudgeon former coach), and Providence Park (home of bearded hipsters). RFK is in the top 3,000 stadia (#2,892 to be ultra precise).

Serie A news: Lazio strike Miroslav Klose weighs up MLS offer - Assuming the transfer fee is ginormous, don't expect Klose to suit up in the Black and Red.

Meet the tiny island nation the USMNT is going to obliterate on Friday - Tonight's USMNT game is an opportunity to learn more about St. Vincent and the Grenadines, which, it turns out, is not a Catholic high school jazz ensemble.

U.S. soccer star's career ended by concussion | WPTZ: Former USWNT player Cindy Parlow Cone's story about concussions is one of the most compelling you'll read. I'm looking forward to the Christmas Day release of Will Smith's Concussion.

Vitaly Mutko faces FIFA ethics scrutiny over Russia scandal - ESPN FC: I honestly don't think any amount of doping is going to make Russia a force in the 2018 World Cup, so shoot up all you want, comrades. As per usual, FIFA would like to distract us from FIFA.

This Entrepreneur Wants You To Stop Using Toilet Paper - Forbes: This entrepreneur is none other than former New York Magic soccer player Miki Agrawal. That's why this article makes Friday Freedom Kicks. She has an idea for what you should do with water.  Shoot it up your butt. And I totally agree with her. If you don't use a bidet or its equivalent, you're doing Number Two all wrong. All. Wrong. Bidets should be standard in the richest country in the world. To quote Agrawal: "Using toilet paper to clean your butt is barbaric!"

Can Miami Beach Survive Global Warming? | Vanity Fair: Speaking of water and things up people's butts, I include this article in today's Friday Freedom Kicks because of FK's ongoing coverage of the Beckham United saga - will he or won't he ever build that damn stadium in Miami? To which I reply, WHAT MIAMI? It's not going to be recognizable in our children's lifetimes, if not our own. Two years ago, Rolling Stone explained why the city of Miami is doomed to drown. And the situation is even worse for Miami Beach, which presumably would be the main draw for luring international soccer stars. ("Come live in two feet of water half the time.") So I remain totally and utterly bemused by the Beckham project - or, for that matter, any longish term development project in Miami that doesn't involve Dutch-like dikes or global carbon emission controls. Oh, and Buzzard Point? Let's hope those ice shelves stay intact a little longer.

Remembering War hero Leigh Roose: The first playboy footballer and an Everton superstar - Liverpool Echo: Leigh Roose sounds like my kind of guy:  playboy, war hero, soccer star. I want to be Leigh Roose. Great story.

And today's Friday Freedom Kicks treat is the dumb luck of Jason Bartley which is awesome. Bonus treat: Venezuelan Soccer Player Makes Ball Levitate in Goal Celebration, Probably Floats in Water.

Commentariat, hydrate!