USA vs. Japan, Women's World Cup final: U.S. earn third World Cup title in exciting 5-2 win

Normally any recap that includes "Julie Johnston own goal" would spell trouble for the U.S., but not this time. This time, it's pretty much, "Own goal? It's fine," because in the end, the U.S. put five goals into Japan's net.

I repeat: The U.S. scored five goals in a World Cup final to win their third trophy, and first since 1999. Forget those 16 years—it's 2015, and the U.S. have another star to add to their shirts.

It's hard to find the words, really, and fair warning that this match diary is pretty much just a lot of nonsense and quotes from my family. In the end, what do we need to say? The U.S. overcame Ellis' questionable tactics and some sometimes disappointing play to bring out their best at just the right time. All that matters, and probably all that we'll remember another 16 years from now, is that the U.S. won. In one of the most exciting World Cup finals we'll probably ever watch.

Here's what happened.

Pre-game: Certainly no lack of pre-game coverage for this game. We've already had short features on Megan Rapinoe, Carli Lloyd, and Japan—and we've still got an hour to go before kickoff.

Jill Ellis is using the same starting XI as the Germany game, which is not a big surprise since that was obviously the best the U.S. had played all tournament.

Oh, now there's a montage of news reports on Hope Solo and her...troubles. We'll never stop talking about her, will we? But, re: Solo on the field, Rob Stone just said she's only had to make 10 saves in this tournament so far. Daaaaaaamn. Also, now we just have our four defenders sitting in a room talking about each other and saying nice things about each other and insert hearts in eyes emoji here.

This game is brought to us by the new Mission Impossible movie, but this game is totally Mission Possible, AMIRITE (I'm sorry). Omg, now Helen Mirren is reading "Where the Sidewalk Ends" by Shel Silverstein. This broadcast has everything, it is everything. We also got an Abby Wambach monologue about giving your all, winning, etc. Things, they are intense.

1': Help I'm a mess.

3': GOAL USA! Carli Lloyd, dontcha know. Rapinoe took the U.S.' first corner and Lloyd was there to put it in the net. Hashtag set pieces.

5': GOAL USA! It's Carli Lloyd again, off another set piece. By the way, my family was sitting down for dinner as this game was about to start, and my dad said, "Hopefully no one scores in the first five minutes." LOL.

7': My dad came into the room. "What?!"

12': "So are you blogging or can I talk to you?"

14': It's hard to have any coherent thoughts at this point—

14': GOAL USA! Lauren Holiday takes a killer volley. It's 3-0.

16': GOAL USA! Carli Lloyd completes her hat trick with a shot from the center of the field as keeper Kaihori is caught off her line and struggles to get back to save it. Hot. Damn.

25': Um, anyway...it's still hard to have any coherent thoughts. The U.S. is up 4-0 in a World Cup final. What is there to say? Also, my dad is mostly just yelling, "Kick!!" #soccer

27': GOAL JAPAN! We got a game? It's Yuki Ogimi with the goal from close range after Johnston slips. 4-1.

33': Japan substitution as Homare Sawa comes on for Azusa Iwashimizu. It wasn't Iwashimizu's best game, was it?

37': My dad keeps saying, "And you can quote me on that." I shouldn't have told him this was happening.

45+': My dad's favorite thing to complain about when it comes to soccer is stoppage time and how the clock doesn't stop during stops in play. He is currently complaining about this.

Halftime: USA 4-1 Japan. This shit is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S. Also, important quote from my mom re: the broadcast team: "Why do they even have men there?" PREACH.

46': "Look at them, coming out attacking!" "Dad, it's been seven seconds."

47': Lloyd had a chance. Dad: "If she had made that goal, she would've been a superstar. Or a super, superstar. She already is a superstar."

50': Yes, this match diary will basically be all quotes from my dad. I had planned on real, actual thoughts to share with you for this game, but I think we can all agree that this game is not normal.

52': GOAL JAPAN! It looks like it's actually Johnston with the own goal. Her head touches the ball last, and Solo almost keeps it out of the goal, but nope. It's 4-2. I realize that the U.S. is still up two goals, but OMG BE CAREFUL.

54': GOAL USA! It's Tobin Heath! And it's another corner kick, too. That one got sent in, fell to Morgan Brian, who squared it for Heath to slot it in. 5-2. I repeat: this WORLD CUP FINAL is 5-2.

61': U.S. substitution as Kelley O'Hara comes on for Megan Rapinoe. My dad is disappointed that Pinoe is coming off but he also has noted that O'Hara is good so it's fine.

68': My sister likes Japan's kits because they're pink. Which is fair because they're pretty sweet kits and ours have neon on them.

79': U.S. substitution as Abby Wambach comes on for Tobin Heath. Lloyd hands the armband to Wambach. Sure looks like Wambach is finally winning a World Cup, doesn't it?

86': Mom: "Don't count your chickens." I think we're going to win, though (#hottakes). P.S.: U.S. substitution as Christie Rampone replaces Alex Morgan.

90': "She fell over the ball, come on!!" This couch has been SALTY about the ref's calls.

Full time: USA 5-2 Japan. We won, y'all. Damn, that was something.

U.S. lineup (4-2-3-1): Hope Solo; Ali Krieger, Julie Johnston, Becky Sauerbrunn, Meghan Klingenberg; Morgan Brian, Lauren Holiday; Tobin Heath (Abby Wambach 79'), Carli Lloyd, Megan Rapinoe (Kelley O'Hara 61'); Alex Morgan (Christie Rampone 86')

Japan lineup (4-4-2): Ayumi Kaihori; Saori Ariyoshi, Azusa Iwashimizu (Homare Sawa 33'), Saki Kumagi, Aya Sameshima; Nahomi Kawasumi (Yuiki Sugasawa 39'), Mizuho Sakaguchi, Rumi Utsugi, Aya Miyama; Shinobu Ohno (Mana Iwabuchi 60'), Yuki Ogimi