It wasn't convincing, but a 2-0 win against a 10-player Colombia was more than enough for the U.S. to advance to a quarterfinal game against China.
Although Abby Wambach managed to miss a penalty, Carli Lloyd managed to score one to seal the win after Alex Morgan made it 1-0 early in the second half. This one got a little weird, which, let's be real, is exactly how we like our soccer games.
Here's how it went down.
Pre-game: The way every analyst on Fox Sports is talking about how the U.S. will definitely win this game makes it sound like Colombia are a team of three-year-olds who just learned how to kick a ball yesterday. Let's everyone take a step back, okay?
By the way, I was wrong and Jill Ellis has decided to start Tobin Heath again. I know nothing. Or does Ellis know nothing? Another by the way, Colombia are starting their third goalkeeper in this tournament, 20-year-old Catalina Perez.
3': There is already a lot of aerial cam in this broadcast. Feel like I'm on Soarin' at Disney World (which is an awesome ride, to be sure, and I guess I didn't have to wait in a long-ass line to watch this game).
4': Goal USA but it's called back! Heath had the shot, but Wambach, who ultimately finished the rebound, was offside. Good initial save by Perez though. 0-0.
13': Some dude called Andy Benoit who I guess writes about the NFL is tweeting about how women's sports aren't worth watching and lololol he doesn't even go here. Meanwhile, the U.S. are looking ready to score.
17': Lauren Holiday has earned a yellow card, which means she'll be suspended for the quarterfinal if the U.S. advances. Maybe we'll see Morgan Brian in her natural position? Or we'll see something that makes no sense at all because Ellis.
24': The U.S. definitely look the most likely to score, which probably means we'll get a Colombia goal out of nowhere and a lot of panicked, back-pedaling, and/or "I told you so" tweets.
30': Angela Clavijo of Colombia has blue hair. That is all.
32': Twitter is starting to talk about how Colombia are digging in here and patiently waiting for their chances to get the upset. Also there's the usual criticism of the U.S. Twitter is good at groupthink.
34': I'm not saying the groupthink is wrong, by the way. Groupthink is often right, like how everyone thinks tacos are great.
41': Megan Rapinoe earns herself a yellow card, which means she'll also have to sit out the quarterfinal should the U.S. advance. Welp. Do you think Ellis even knows what Heather O'Reilly looks like, or...?
Halftime: 0-0. The U.S. should be up a goal or two, and they're not, and that means advantage Colombia. Twitter is hella mad at Jill Ells right now. Sometimes groupthink is right, like I said. P.S. How the hell did Dr. Joe ever get a job on television I mean what even.
47': Red card, Perez! Awwww snap. Penalty for the U.S., too. Stefany Castaño is the replacement goalkeeper, coming on for Ingrid Vidal.
50': Wambach misses the penalty! Girl WHAT. That was wiiiiiide. This game's gone cray.
53': Goal USA! It's Alex Morgan! Eh, who needs PKs. Morgan found herself in space on the right and smashed her shot into the goal. Keeper got a hand to it, but that one's buried.
65': Rapinoe draws another penalty! Wambach is not taking it.
66': Goal USA! 2-0 as Carli Lloyd converts the penalty. My dad thinks that the "USA should be smokin' them with only 10 players" and he's not wrong to be honest.
69': U.S. substitution as Wambach is off, Morgan Brian is on. Not Wambach's best night, was it? Anyway, Brian is playing her natural position and Holiday is further up field. Someone put Sense Potion in Ellis' drink! It probably wears off within 20 minutes.
75': U.S. substitution with Christen Press replacing Rapinoe. Still have the sads about Pinoe missing the quarterfinal.
81': Last U.S. substitution as Lori Chalupny comes on for Ali Krieger.
92': "TV guy is highly critical." More texts from my dad. Dad, you should read Twitter.
Full time: USA 2-0 Colombia. Next up: China on Friday for a spot in the semifinals.
U.S. lineup (4-4-2): Hope Solo; Ali Krieger (Lori Chalupny 81'), Becky Sauerbrunn, Julie Johnston, Meghan Klingenberg; Megan Rapinoe (Christen Press 75'), Lauren Holiday, Carli Lloyd, Tobin Heath; Abby Wambach (Morgan Brian 69'), Alex Morgan
Colombia lineup (4-2-3-1): Catalina Perez; Carolina Arias, Nataly Arias, Angela Clavijo, Orianica Velasquez; Daniela Montoya (Leicy Santos 85'), Natalia Gaitan; Diana Ospina, Yoreli Rincon (Catalina Usme 72'), Lady Andrade; Ingrid Vidal (Stefany Castaño 49')