So earlier this week, I saw the movie "Electric Boogaloo", which tells the story of Cannon Films, the low budget movie studio run by Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus. The studio or the bosses may not be familiar, but the movies they made during the '80s, such as the Missing in Action films, the Death Wish sequels, God, even Cobra, are all films you may be familiar with. So as it was a nice 107-minute stroll back through my childhood with all kinds of clips and interviews, I'm going to be a little indulgent here and try to tie in a Cannon film to each rating of Saturday's loss to the Montreal Impact that extended the D.C. United winless streak to six.
So come with me, watch me work.
Bill Hamid - 5.5
Five more saves on the night, couldn't do much about the first Didier Drogba goal (despite getting a finger on it), and even less on the second one. More often than not in 2015, his performances are Making the Grade.
Taylor Kemp - 4
Folks are going to throttle him for that play where he handled the ball and eventually led to the first Drogba goal (and they should), but wound up being tied for the team lead in interceptions and led in clearances on the night, and his passing wasn't bad to boot, despite having to deal with Dilly Duka for most of the night. He's improved a little defensively Under Cover.
Steve Birnbaum - 3
Where do we start? The defense on the second Drogba goal? Doing a really good impression of a traffic cone later in the first half? A childish early second half yellow on Drogba (causing him to miss a suddenly important game against New York City FC), which allowed Drogba to retaliate with a Ric Flair-like chop minutes later? There was a lot wrong with the Birdbomb Saturday afternoon, and in what might have been his worst performance in Black and Red to date, he's become Missing in Action.
Bobby Boswell - 3.5
Passing, particularly on long balls, was pretty good, though like his center back partner, not entirely sure what he was thinking positioning wise in the moments leading up to the turnover that became goal two. Obviously if Birnbaum is the first Chuck Norris Missing in Action film, than the older Boswell is the equivalent to the prequel, Missing in Action 2: The Beginning.
Sean Franklin - 4.5
Up against Dominic Oduro, defensively Franklin led the team in tackles and was one off the lead for interceptions. Offensively, was the most accurate field player in terms of passing and tried to get involved when he could. Perhaps the only offensive Lifeforce in back.
Chris Pontius - 4
His first regular season start since the August 30 game with the New York Red Bulls and...looked the part. Fewest touches of any field player on the night (was at least accurate with what little he had), no shots, got into fouling contests with Duka. Down to King Solomon's Mines with you.
Nick DeLeon - 4.5
Nick DeLeon centrally was interesting in theory. In practice, a little less so, as he appeared uncomfortable and out of place for stretches. Still, led the team in key passes, passing accuracy was second on the night (behind Franklin), connected on all his long balls, but when it comes to Nick DeLeon, central midfielder, the night wasn't exactly a Runaway Train.
Markus Halsti - 4.5
A ten-bell turnover that led to the second Drogba goal, and spread out a bit defensively in the role normally held by Perry Kitchen. Had a couple of shots and a key pass, but didn't particularly cover himself in glory if he is going to be the Platoon Leader in the future.
Chris Rolfe - 4
Extended his contract earlier in the week, celebrated on the field by being the least accurate passer on the night, couldn't move fast enough to get a harder touch on a ball to him in the box that could have halved the lead, had only one touch more than Pontius, and didn't become much of a factor until starting to partner with Espindola up top, which wasn't saying much. Took an elbow in the face in the second half that almost became a Bloodsport but all was OK.
Fabian Espindola - 4
When Fabi feels like he's not getting a lot of help, he tries to do a lot by himself. This is more an observation than anything else, because there was a sequence in the first half where he decided to shot with his left foot from 30 yards out and it was a worm burner right to Evan Bush. That's the type of night it was for Fabi. Hopefully he can find the form that makes him more of a Messenger of Death in the last few games.
Alvaro Saborio - 3.5
Subbed off at the half (for Doyle of all people), which pretty much sums up his night, along with the fact that he was giving up the ball so much that Magic Johnson would have been proud. We're rapidly approaching the point where Alvaro Saborio's tenure as an MLS starter is Breakin.
Conor Doyle - 4.5
Came on for Saborio at the half, picked up a dumb yellow that will cause him to miss Friday's NYCFC game, passing was OK and played a bit centrally before going out to the left eventually in the second half. Any sort of stance of him as a starter for the team and/or in this League is really Over the Top.
Michael Farfan - 4.5
Came on for Pontius in the 71st, made all 12 passes. Wondering what would have been if the more possession-minded Farfan started with Halsti initially, but a tad unrealistic as he went 90 in MoBay midweek. But when he DOES start, he appears to be no Hercules.
Jairo Arrieta - 5
Came on for Rolfe in the 75th and had 2 key passes? (rubs eyes, double checks) Yes, yes he did. Included a tackle defensively for his troubles also. Go figure. What kind of world is it that Arrieta has more key passes in a game than Espindola? A Down Twisted one.
Man of the Match:
Bill for lack of a better choice. His work is amongst the Masters of the Universe.