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What the hell just happened between D.C. United and Toronto FC?

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A complete and thorough recounting of tonight’s 4-4 draw

OK, so D.C. United played Toronto FC tonight, and TFC was in charge early, but then D.C. scored two on the counter, and then they went up 3-0 at halftime, but then Toronto pulled a defender for a forward and overran United, scoring in the 56th and 64th minutes, and then in the middle of that United made a bunch of defensive subs, but TFC kept coming like the dragon that attacked Matthew McConaughey in Reign of Fire, and tied it 3-3, and then all hell actually broke loose, I think at one point the game took place inside the tesseract from Inception with Matthew McConaughey, United scored with their only attack of the entire half in the 90th minute, but still gave up another goal to Nick Hagglund in the 92nd minute, and then stoppage time stretched out until we all grew old, died, and were reborn in astoundingly similar bodies and settings, and Yamil Asad missed a sitter that could have made it 5-4, and now I don’t even know who I am.