Oh hey, it’s time for another D.C. United game? Um...yay? Is this something we’re excited about?
Toronto FC are in town. They’re only, like, the best team in MLS right now, and D.C. United are only, like, the worst. What could go wrong!
Donald Wine II
The state of the team is bleak. We're on the verge of signing Nigel de Jong, we're fighting in practice, and we have given up eleventy billion goals in the past 6 games. So, what does this mean for the Black-and-Red? I don't expect much more than absolute misery on a hot summer night. Sebastian Giovinco goes for a brace and Jozy Altidore hammers home a penalty, and the state of our team gets bleaker, 3-0.
Sebastian Giovinco always scores against D.C. United even when the team is good, so now...Giovinco gets a brace, Jozy Altidore bangs one in, and Justin Morrow adds the fourth for another 4-0 loss for United against the Supporters' Shield leaders.
One day I'm going to sit my children down in front of me and tell them the story of August 5, 2017, the day cellar-dwelling D.C. United earned an improbable win over star-laden Toronto FC. "Things looked bleak already, and Prodigal Son Ian Harkes was injured," I'll say. "Sebastian Giovinco and Jozy Altidore were at the head of an offensive juggernaut and they threatened all match, but Bill Hamid was the size of a brick wall that day. Deshorn Brown paired with Lloyd Sam to score twice for the good guys, and United won 2-0. RFK's roof nearly blew off at the end, and it was the beginning of the salvaging of the season." My kids will sit in silent disbelief, and I'll tell them there is much more to the story.
And then I'm going to wake up, because the only way that could happen is if I dream it. 4-1 Toronto. Whatever.
I think we're going to see D.C. United's best performance in weeks. Coherent passing, solid team shape, set piece defending that doesn't make you want to rip your hair out...all the entry level stuff that United has been failing at lately should be strongly improved. I also think Deshorn Brown will get himself a goal early in the second half.
However, none of that means a win over MLS's best team. Sebastian Giovinco scores three unstoppable goals, TFC wins 3-1.
Toronto scores four goals.
DCU scores one, but whatever.
Do you envision something better? Share your prediction in the comments, but lo, a wild silly poll appears first.
I’m skipping RFK to see Jurassic Park at Wolf Trap tomorrow. What would your fate be during a dino attack?
This poll is closed
I get lost in the rain, crash my car, and then get killed by a dinosaur
I take ill-advised shelter in a bathroom and get devoured by a t-rex
I’m overpowered by dinosaurs and ripped apart while trying to save everyone else
I outsmart the dinosaurs and then help the remaining survivors escape
Oh please, I escaped before any dinosaurs ever even got close to me