I fell asleep in front of the TV after the Caps game, and woke up at 3am to a spray-tanned fellow screaming and hollering about some sort of all-natural pill to fix joint pain. The claim, at least as far as the computer graphic that came with this cacophony is concerned, is that the pill will smash water into your cartilage. There was a lengthy diatribe against “chemicals,” and no one had the heart to point out to this loud man that he was himself selling a chemical.
This is the long way of saying I don’t have much else to report. Let’s talk about soccer instead:
Álvaro Saborío se retira del fútbol sorpresivamente | La Nacion
Alvaro Saborio, four games into his return to Costa Rican soccer, has retired with immediate effect. After getting subbed off at the hour mark and having an apparent argument with travelling Saprissa fans, he just decided he was done. It’s a pretty weird ending to what is a strong career for the former D.C. United #9.
He released this statement later, which is more of a traditional “it’s been an honor, thanks everyone!” deal than anything else:
Armchair Analyst: Deciphering Bruce Arena's USMNT depth chart | MLSsoccer.com
This goes very deep (there are 12 center backs mentioned), and United comes up several times. Bill Hamid, Steve Birnbaum, Taylor Kemp, and former DCU midfielder Perry Kitchen are all on the list at their respective positions, and Patrick Mullins gets an honorable mention too.
FC Dallas draws 1-1 with River Plate in second Argentina friendly | FCDallas.com
FC Dallas is in Argentina and is basically playing every team in the country. No, really. This game came a day after a 1-0 loss to Lanus, and today they play San Lorenzo. Saturday? Racing Club. Sunday? River Plate’s reserves. They play Ferro Carril Oeste and Lanus (again) on Monday and Tuesday.
'Caps, Loons play to 1-1 draw after late Teibert laser | WhitecapsFC.com
Vancouver and Minnesota played out a rain-soaked draw to kick off Portland’s annual preseason tournament. Former United midfielder Collin Martin played 18 minutes as more of a tempo-setting #8 in a 4231, which is interesting.
Philadelphia Union’s Josh Yaro Undergoes Successful Shoulder Surgery | PhiladelphiaUnion.com
Oof. Josh Yaro wore a pretty substantial shoulder brace last season, and apparently aggravated the problem to such an extent in preseason that he needed to go under the knife. He won’t be available until May or June.
Match Recap: Chicago Fire beat the Philadelphia Union 1-0 in windy Florida friendly | The Brotherly Game
Speaking of the Union, they fell to Chicago at the same venue DCU beat J-Sodra on Wednesday.
Portland Timbers Scrap to 3-3 Preseason Draw Against Real Salt Lake | Stumptown Footy
Between the 35th and 53rd minutes of this game, the Portland Timbers scored, had Diego Chara sent off, conceded, scored again despite playing with 10, scored again despite continuing to play a preseason game with 10, and then conceded again.
Oh, and this was multi-million-dollar signing Sebastian Blanco’s first appearance in a Timbers shirt.
Hope Solo at a crossroads: the factors influencing her future | Ride of the Valkyries
Things are, as ever, complicated when it comes to Hope Solo. Is a USWNT comeback viable? Does she even want such a comeback? Can she even play again after major shoulder surgery? There’s a lot to mull over, and this piece does a thorough job of looking at all the angles.
The W-League announced their team of the season, and it’s full of NWSL players (including former Spirit defender Megan Oyster):
That’s it for me. Enjoy the confusion that comes from being in the middle of a temperature swing that has seen us drop 45 degrees in a couple of days, and remember that it’ll be pushing 70 on Sunday.