Ha ha! You fool!
You fell victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous of which is "never get involved in a land war in Asia."
But only slightly less well-known is this: "Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line!"
And of course, the one that everybody knows: "NEVER BACKPASS TO AN OTHERWISE OFFSIDES DAVID VILLA."
And now, your Friday Freedom Kicks.
Frank Lampard scores twice, NYCFC beats DC United 3-2 | The Sun News: Yadda yadda yadda.
Patrick Mullins capitalizing on new opportunity | MLSsoccer.com: The MLS site showing us some love. Bookmark it.
How to watch 29 World Cup qualifiers, MLS, and NWSL | Washington Post: Oh, it's gonna be a fun Labor Day weekend!
Washington Spirit vs Western NY Flash | WashSpirit: On Saturday, at 7 p.m., you can saunter up to the Soccerplex and watch our very own Number-One-in-the-League-by-6-points Spirit take on the girls from Rochester.
MLS Twitter deletes strange video that appeared to gloat over departure of Nigel de Jong | For The Win: I suspect that, because it reflected poorly upon one of the teams of the Holy Trinity, there was some consternation at corporate headquarters. (In the name of L.A., New York, and New York City. Amen.)
USMNT try to enjoy the bumpy ride to 2018 | US Soccer Players: B&RU's blazindw is in St. Vincent and the Grenadines with the boys. Here's the players' association take on the fight ahead for a trip to Mother Russia!
USMNT should be fine without Clint Dempsey, thanks to red-hot Jozy Altidore, Bobby Wood | FOX Sports: I guess? Does Wood+Altidore+fire=Dempsey?
ISIS Wants To Make Soccer Interesting | The Daily Caller: The latest example of the alt-right and/or fellow travelers making bizarre common cause with weird 21st Century enemies of America. Here, the Daily Caller makes common cause with ISIS in their hatred of soccer. Here's another example from a site called Heatstreet:
"ISIS has done what the so-called 'civilized world' has failed to do for centuries: Propose real changes to a tedious game that not only promotes socialism but also encourages whining and fake injuries."
ISIS reportedly bans soccer referees for following FIFA rules, not sharia law | Washington Post: Hmm. Soccer referees "do not judge according to what Allah has revealed," an ISIS court recently ruled. Maybe this is what I'll scream the next time a ref yellow-cards Acosta for being wily with his feet around the ball.
Swiss launch criminal probe of German soccer great Beckenbauer | CNBC: Was the world's greatest sweeper also a secret washing machine? The Swiss wanna know!
Historic Afghanistan Women's Soccer Team in Bay Area to Train | NBC Bay Area: In more heartening news.
And your Friday Freedom Kicks treat for this Labor Day Weekend? An entire documentary on The Internationale, of course, not just because it's Labor Day weekend, but because we're soccer fans. I hope neither the Daily Caller nor Heatstreet is reading this, comrades, or our secret will be out.