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Birnbaumed: DC United & Sundry Soccer Links for 30 January 2015

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Everybody's talking about Birnbaum.

Geoff Burke-USA TODAY Sports

We'll kick off today's Friday Freedom Kicks with some fan mail.

"Dear touchline, Where do you find your links?

Sincerely, Abigail Dimasio, Carlsbad, California"

Well, Abby, I don't know how the other Freedom Kickers find their links, but, for me, it's a complicated process, involving multi-layered contracts with IT facilities in the Philippines and Bangalore, who subcontract much of their work to an internet cafe in Senegal, funded with two offshore accounts in Grenada and the Canary Islands, using a couple runners who used to be Shining Path guerrillas but have since become Herbalife "independent distributors," who deliver most of the raw data on wax paper lining a donut box to a hulky Russian named Vlad in a flat above a leather goods store in Istanbul, who then reconstructs the raw data into a series of hypertext links, which are encrypted into the twitter feed of an unsuspecting 14-year-old girl in Syracuse who apparently hates her mother and is in love with some floppy-haired boy at school named Liam, from which I pull them for delivery to you, fresh, every Friday morning.  That's pretty much how it happens.

I just worry that, now that you know how the sausage is made, it won't seem so magical anymore.  But you asked.

D.C. United news and notes - The Washington Post:  Goff collected a few nuggets from DC United's Dave Kasper.  Some nuggets have a certain bovine smell, i.e., anything that teases us with Inter Milan loans.  Just stop it.  On the other hand, I do believe that DCU could end its Kickers partnership after this next season.  It's a mistake, but it's believable.

Orlando City vs DC United (Preseason Friendly): Predicting the Starting XI - O-Town's 11 - An Orlando City FC Site - News, Rumors, Blogs and More:  Here's a preview from Disney World of tonight's pre-season opener between Orlando City and DCU.  Kaka is having some visa problems.  So... NO KAKA.  (Game starts at 7 pm, on MLSSoccer.com.)

Night to remember: MLS trio Steve Birnbaum, Wil Trapp, Gyasi Zardes make USMNT debuts at Chile | MLSsoccer.com:  Everybody adores Stevie-B.

United's Birnbaum shines in USMNT debut - DCU Dspatch:  Another look at Birnbaum's Chile performance.

Q&A: Steven Birnbaum after his first U.S. Men's National Team cap | D.C. United:  Stevie-B answers some questions and recommends that you eat some Chilean strawberries.

D.C. United Preseason Report: Florida Day 6 | D.C. United:  Jalen Robinson answers some questions.  The bottom line is that he's rooming with Colin Martin.  And I'm out of commentary.

Pernetti Leaving NYC Soccer for College Sports Return With IMG - Bloomberg Business:  NYCFC has lost its chief business officer to some college sports outfit because that's what happens when you're NYCFC.

This bikini-modeling soccer star is the anti-Hope Solo | New York Post:  It's the New York Post.  So...blah, blah, blah, Alex Morgan in a bikini.

Is Tim Howard set to leave for the MLS? - Royal Blue Mersey:  Who's gonna love Tim Howard more than a bunch of Yank MLS fans?  Answer:  nobody.

A frank conversation about the MLS CBA negotiations - Sounder At Heart:  Hey, look, the CBA expires tomorrow.

Beckham Provides Positive Update on MLS in Miami | NBC 6 South Florida:  "You can't build a stadium overnight," mansplains Beckham.

MLS Sells KickTV to Copa90, Creating Premium Soccer Video Network | VideoInk:  KickTV is merging with a British soccer channel on Youtube, which HAS GOTTA mean Inter Milan loans for us.

You look like you could use some good old-fashioned breakdance battlin to get your comments going.