Where the tiebreakers stand for D.C. United

An errant tweet led me to go down a bit of a small wormhole on how firm D.C. United's first place position in the East us. Now granted, a lot would have to happen for D.C. to lose against the two worst teams in the East in the last two games of the regular season, with one of those games at home (both of whom have already been eliminated from the playoffs). And as one never says never:

D.C. United: vs. Chicago Fire, at Montreal Impact

New England: at Houston Dynamo (10/16), vs. Toronto FC

Sporting Kansas City: at Philadelphia Union, vs. New York Red Bulls (SKC plays Saprissa in CCL play on 10/23, just as D.C. plays Tauro F.C. 10/21).

So, the tiebreakers as MLS lays them out

WINS: If New England won out and D.C. lost out, New England would have more wins.

GOAL DIFFERENTIAL: D.C. currently has a +14, but while New England has a +3, Sporting Kansas City has a +10. Possible I suppose, but not likely.

GOALS FOR: D.C. has one goal over New England and two over Sporting Kansas City (49, 48, 47, respectively), so just in case.

FEWEST DISCIPLINARY POINTS: MLS has not updated their standings sadly since March 26 (that I could immediately find at least), soooo.. New England, DC, Sporks I guess?

ROAD GOALS DIFFERENTIAL: D.C. has a -1 vs. New England's -10 and SKC's +4, so pile it on against Montreal or something I guess.

ROAD GOALS FOR: D.C. has 23, New England 21 and SKC 22. Same rules apply as previous I guess.

HOME GOALS DIFFERENTIAL: D.C. has 15, New England 13 and SKC 6. Don't lose to Chicago and lego Toronto?

HOME GOALS FOR: New England 27, D.C. 26, SKC 25. Like earlier I guess.

COIN TOSS (2 teams) or DRAWING OF LOTS (3 or more): Oy.

Anyway, if there is contraindicatory information, please yell. Just in case of course.