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Week 1 MLS Highlights, Results, & One-Liners

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The crossbar is Nick Rimando's new best friend
The crossbar is Nick Rimando's new best friend

I'm digging the Full Highlights tab so much on the new Video page of MLSsoccer.com that I decided to bring back an old B&RU feature: the weekly one-liners, in which I make sarcastic comments about other MLS teams based only on viewing their highlights package.

LA Galaxy 1-3 Real Salt Lake. You'll hear elsewhere that this was an impressive win for RSL that will establish them as the new favorites in the West. Huh? They might lead the conference in disgustingly ugly rat tail haircuts, but that wasn't a dominating performance in my view. Raise Nick Rimando's crossbar by one inch and the final score would have been 3-3. These are two good but fairly even teams.

FC Dallas 2-1 New York Red Bulls. Hans Backe is my favorite NYRB coach ever. He just really fits in with that franchise's culture of losing. Yes, please do refrain from starting Kenny Cooper. Yes, it's a great idea to have your starting goalkeeper be a rookie from the elite soccer powerhouse school of Fordham University.

Colorado Rapids 2-0 Columbus Crew. This game could have been way more lopsided than 2-0 as Omar Cummings missed several chances that could have turned into goals. That was a dominating performance at home from the Rapids, sending a message to the league that they could compete in the West this season.

Chivas USA 0-1 Houston Dynamo. So this match featured the road team scoring the only goal of the match in the 92nd minute after the home team's goalkeeper had to make save after save in the second half. Dan Kennedy, Bill Hamid, I feel for you guys.

San Jose Earthquakes 1-0 New England Revolution. After going ahead early in the match via a (possibly offside) goal from Chris Wondolowski off a Shalrie Joseph turnover, this game looked boring as hell.That's to be expected though from two teams expected to finish in the bottom third of their respective conferences.

Vancouver Whitecaps 2-0 Montreal Impact. That Sebastien Le Toux guy is crap. I don't get what anybody sees in him. Signed, two of the most successful coaches in MLS history. In other equally sarcastic news, the Whitecaps will never amount to anything without Tom Soehn on the sideline.